In The Depths Of Your Darkness, You Will Find Your Light

When I arrived in New York City I found that bliss-point in life where you are constantly pinching yourself. Is this my life? How have I manifested this incredible apartment, friends, job, office and an intense and passionate new relationship all within 8 weeks?

It was a series of extraordinary synchronicities that landed me my dream life living in New York City. I had developed the cliché love affair with my new home, the type you hear about in novels or Sex and The City.

Upon arriving in New York I felt the vibration of the city. It buzzed with adrenalin and cortisol and filled me with energy.

It was exciting yet slightly overwhelming observing the impatient cab drivers and the people of the city yelling, singing, dancing, spitting, strutting… it’s something I’d never seen before. I observed with open eyes and an open mouth. At times I felt scared, yet still supported by my new city. 

As spring transitioned to summer my calendar was filled with brunches, rooftop sun baking, Mexican restaurants, cocktails, beach trips out to the island and plenty of baseball games... watching my special man play first base.

I rehearsed the same line over and over as people asked about home ... “no I don’t see myself ever going back to Australia. This experience has been something like I never could of dreamt of so I don’t see why I would leave?”  I exuded confidence as I had found my dream life and saw it as indestructible. 

Summer turned to fall and the trees lost their leaves, the colourful flowers died and Central Park lost its luscious life force.

The wind blew ferociously through the tall buildings and it became clear to the people of New York, summer was gone.

The city vibrated on a different frequency. It was no longer buzzing, singing and dancing. The oncoming traffic of people wore angry looks on their faces. I knew it was getting cold because the spit on the sidewalks had transformed to little ice blocks. Winter was upon us.

Just when New York seemed to lose its vibrancy my body seemed to follow suit. I no longer wanted to sing and dance, instead I became very ill.

I approached several doctors desperate to know why my hair was falling out, why I had developed severe acne and why my weight felt totally out of my control. My doctors were able to identify the diagnosis, although offered no solutions, leaving me feeling hopeless and alone.

And as my body began to deteriorate so did my enthusiasm for life. I became sicker and isolated myself from everyone I’d known over the last 7 months.

And then, an unfamiliar darkness crept over my entire being which shadowed my every thought.

Weeks went by that felt like a lifetime. My days consisted of hiding behind a smile at work and getting straight to yoga. I would try to get through to savasana without a release of tears streaming down my face due to self-hating thoughts and exhausting comparisons to everyone else in the class.

My weekends no longer consisted of partying with the people I used to regularly see. I didn’t feel like me anymore, therefore I didn’t feel like I should try to be me around others. My physical appearance had diminished and I truly believed I was a burden to lay eyes on.

My weekends were instead spent in my bedroom researching the answers my body needed to know. I was desperate to wake up from this nightmare.

Although my body had broken down, it was really my mind that took the biggest toll. Sneaking hatred into every thought and every action, I felt exhausted and ready to give up.

On a rare occasion I would feel a fleeting moment of love and joy. It made me remember who I was.

Then the darkness would tug on my feet and pull me down to the familiar landscape of fear and doubt, where I would live most of my days, disconnected from life, disconnected from people, disconnected from myself.

I had forgotten who I was and was wondering if there would come a day that I would remember. I scrolled through photos from the past, wishing that I could return to my former healthy and happy self.

What I didn’t understand is that I was basing my entire existence around a photograph of a human body.

I would eventually come to know that I am not just a body, and neither are you. We are pure love and light inside a human body, having a human experience. And the human experience contains both intense beauty and intense suffering.

And within the depths of my suffering, something beautiful started to emerge.  

A deeper level of consciousness that allowed me to witness my attachment to my body and my attachment to the way other people perceive me.

I had manifested the perfect sickness which forced me to detach from the physical identity I had based my worth upon for so many years. 

When this identity was sacrificed and I fell into a deep depression, I had no choice but to find the eternal light within me that can never fade.

This could be no coincidence. This had the fingerprints of a higher power all over it.

As much as I had hoped I would heal and return to my former ways, I would never return. Because through the loss of my physical identity, I was forced to seek self love from within.

Leaning how to love yourself so deeply without any alterations to your weight, hair colour or clothing is perhaps the most important thing you could achieve in your life. 

Because your looks will fade. Your organs, tissue and cells will oxidise, leaving you wrinkled and grey. But how you show up every single day in service to the world is all that really matters.

Whilst my armour started to fall away, a beautiful vulnerability rose up.

The tough exterior I had worn for 25 years began to soften, and through that softness I found an unshakable strength.

Through the depths of feeling empty, pointless and alone, I found meaning.

I started to feel moments of joy again through meditation and yoga. Although this joy didn’t feel like anything I had experienced before. It was not dependent upon someone, something or someplace. It was radiating from an eternal steady force within me. It felt sturdy and peaceful. It felt like home.

I came to learn some universal truths during this time of my life living in New York City, and I feel I must share.

The human experience is comprised of both beauty and suffering. You can’t have one without the other. And we are allowed to have both. It helps us to better understand ourselves. It helps us to better understand each other.

The light can only be present with the existence of the darkness. And through suffering, rich unimaginable meaning is born.

Within those darkest moments is where you need to send most love. When it arrives, welcome it with open arms. Tell these thoughts and emotions what they are longing to hear.

You are loved.

You belong.

You are accepted.

I do not resist you, I support you.

And when they arrive again and again you continue to welcome, continue to love.

And eventually is will lessen. It will turn from months, to weeks, to days, to moments.

Darkness cannot be conquered or defeated. It can only be welcomed and nurtured because the unmet need of the darkness is simply to find love.

Give yourself permission to radically accept your emotions. No judgment, criticism or frustration. Change nothing about the emotion, except the amount of love you offer in return.

So as I began to understand that the universe is a infinite loving place and wants the best for it’s children, I understood that my experience living in New York City was perfect.

It was never supposed to be easy and enjoyable. It had offered me something so much greater than I could of ever asked for.

It offered me a look into my soul.

That look into my soul saved my life, so I am forever thankful for my suffering. 

The universe helped me to understand the darkest parts of myself by holding up a mirror, sending me lessons and offering me teachers. It helped me to understand the suffering of those around me and to find infinite compassion and love for every being that crosses my path.

Remember my dear ones, we live in the dark and the light.

The stillness and the chaos.

The trust and the distrust.

The acceptance and the resistance.

A sacred dance between both places, both always present. Because we are human. And all humans experience this. It’s what we signed up for when we entered this life.

When you are in the dark you are being offered a guide to better understand yourself. The universe has offered you a precious compass for within, which in turn helps you to navigate your way through life.

I dedicate this blog to my Aunty Jane, who passed away in 2005.

She was my inspiration for moving to New York.

Thank you for steering me towards the eternal light within.

This article has been published by the elephant journal, if you'd like to check it out.

xXx